“Sorted, Mate” is a new series of articles designed to give you valuable advice about everything from relationships to shouting down women on the internet. In this first piece self-professed romance expert Nick “Romance Expert” Keirle leads you through the trials and tribulations of dating in the modern age, and sets you on the path towards the perfect pick-up line.

So, you’re a nice guy. But you don’t have much luck with the ladies, do you? Do you, mate? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I bet you’ve spent countless hours asking why. Well, I’m here to answer that question.

Is it because, no matter how many times you show them what a nice guy you are, those horrible bitches just don’t listen? No. Is it because you’re not good enough? Of course not – you haven’t hit or raped even one measly woman, so naturally you’re Grade-A boyfriend material. Is it because girls find you unattractive? No, that cape looks lovely on you.

So what is it, you wonder. All you want is a nice girl who loves you and your mother for who you are, and right now you’d do anything to make that happen.

I bet you’re even starting to wonder if all those Tumblr blogs were right; if the reason you’re always getting rejected is because women are only attracted to abusive bad boys. Well, no (but actually yes). The real reason is that you just suck at the most important aspect of attracting romantic partners: awesome and clever pick-up lines.

If you don’t have a great pick-up line you might as well not even bother talking to women. And you can’t just rely on the standard, cheesy pick-up lines everyone’s already heard a thousand times before. So here’s a little trick to get you on your way to crafting pick-up lines that will make you seem funny and clever, and therefore irresistible.* If you’re really serious about moving from the Lone Zone to the Bone Zone just follow this method:

The Pick-Up Let Down:

All you need to do is take one of those boring, cliché wordplay-based pick-up lines and alter it to completely undermine the wordplay within. So “I wish I could rearrange the alphabet so I could put U and I together.” becomes “I wish I could rearrange the alphabet, because I have mild dyslexia and I get frustrated about that sometimes.”

I call this the Pick-Up Let Down, because it sets the girl up to expect a certain kind of pick-up line, and then pulls the rug out from under them. This subversion of standard pick-up line protocols will help to separate you from the crowd. Furthermore, it’ll make the woman smile, and think of you as a smart, funny, but most importantly relaxed and attractive guy. Unless she hasn’t heard the original pick-up line before, in which case you will look like a fucking mental case.

This tactic works every time. Trust me, I’m in a long-term relationship now. Is that a coincidence? Definitely not, and the fact that I came up with this idea after we had already been going out for several months is immaterial. Believe me, it works. Just try it out, you’ll thank me later.

That’s all I’ve got for you this time, but it should be more than enough. However, before I go here’s some further examples to get you going. Feel free to use them for your own purposes:

“How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to Break the Ice”
becomes: “How much does a polar bear weigh? Between half a ton and a ton, depending on the season, and of course their age and their sex.”

–
“If I said you have a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”
becomes: “If I said you have a beautiful body would you consider that a crass thing to say, and subsequently hold that statement against me in a judge of my character?”

–

“Is your dad an art thief? Because you’re a masterpiece.” becomes: “Is your dad an art thief? Because he kind of looks like an art thief.”

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And finally one I’m pretty sure I stole from Comedy Bang Bang: “Is heaven missing an angel? Because I met this guy who said he was an angel that fell from heaven.”

* Note: if you’re a woman do not use this method. Men will not be attracted to women who show off such wit or intelligence, and will immediately remove you from the ‘potential partners’ list as a result. Show too much wit or intelligence and they may even decide to add you to the ‘is probably a witch’ list.